we all do silly things right? i think i hit my low point in this “getting used to being at home again” stage of my life. i got into a silly fight with someone i love and then had an incredibly dramatic meltdown over practically nothing in front of my mother. the things that flew out of my mouth amidst tears were indeed pathetic… she even rolled her eyes a couple times and said “oh my god would you listen to yourself?” and yes, i can hear how silly i sound, but is it so awful that i want to sulk a little… just a little?
i mean, i was not just traveling abroad having fun and enjoying myself… i was living abroad, in a country (and city) that is not easy to live in, for almost two years! i had to make a lot of adjustments. then i began to fall in love with that country (although undoubtedly there were a few days when i hated it) and then i feel in love with someone from that country, all the while making a few close friends and a life and then two weeks ago i just flew away from it all! the first week back was like cake compared to this last one… i don’t know what happened, i don’t know what tipped me off of the fence that exists between sulking and dealing (you can guess which side i landed on), but one week in this place has been enough, i’m out of here! i can have little moments of drama, just so long as they’re woven into moments of calm and clarity and NOT into moments in states of half-sleep under my covers at mid-day.
i probably need some art supplies, but i have no money. soon enough. until then, running will help, yoga will help, reading will help, seeing old friends will help, the poetry submission deadline will help… but sitting around here all alone all day every day… well that is simply a recipe for disaster! home is in my heart, or it is nowhere at all (oh herman hesse, how i love you!)…
esta etapa ya se termina 🙂