not for one second could i regret living what/how i’ve lived these past 4 years. i lived in two US cities on the opposite coast, and spent nearly two years living on another continent, speaking another language, enjoying a different sun. and when i first returned home a mere 3 weeks ago (they’ve been the longest 3 weeks of my life) i felt terrified at my new/old place on the earth.
but the feelings of panic have receded, and while my heart is still almost constantly flooded with uncertainty, i feel a calm slowly spreading through me. i don’t know if i’ll spend the rest of my life here, but i know i’ll be here for a little while. i’m signing up for advanced spanish classes and continuing salsa lessons as i can’t bear to live without carrying a little bit of latin america with me, but i can’t express how good it feels to speak and ALWAYS be understood, to use silly little idiomatic expressions in english i almost forgot existed, to go on bike rides with my sister, to have a choice of 20-some beers at just about every bar, to dance to shitty hip-hop with those whom i’ve missed dearly, to spend time with those who have grown into beautiful adults but i’d previously only known as neighborly or high-school companions, to go on runs and pass by the meadow, listening to all of its intricate sounds and breathing. there are no meadows in the tropics.
this doesn’t mean i don’t miss my life at the equator. i do, i miss it everyday, most of all i miss the people, the faces, the sounds, the voices, the spanish, the warm breeze, the ocean being only an hour’s drive away. i can’t wait till i get a job and have my own apartment which i can decorate with all of my little andean trinkets, evidence of a live loved.
i don’t know what the future brings, there is always the possibility of going back. but right now i just want to enjoy being here, making myself a home, being alone and being happy, learning more about the city where i was born but where i never really lived.
but if there is anything i’m learning, it’s that if there is love, there is never really loss, not complete loss anyways. the little prince has taught me that, too.