i’ve been experiencing a new kind of alone-ness these past few days, and last night i realized why. for the past four years, i’ve been city-hopping… not really committing to any place for very long. i didn’t intend to do it, but thats what happened. i’ve never been anywhere and said to myself: “i will probably be here for a while, i should probably make myself a life.” i always had a reason not to, another place to go or job to apply for, a foreign country to fly to. but now, that is not the case.
i realized the other day, that i have no life, not here, not anywhere. and i mean life as in friends, a job, things to do, places to go, people to see. i had a small one in ecuador, but now that is gone. i sort of had one in portland, but that is really gone. at RIT i definitely had a life, but that has long been scattered about the country. and here, i have family, old friends, favorite cafes, but i still exist on the fringes, moving in and out of other’s lives and spaces when they have the time to see me or do something with me. but if those people are busy, i have no one else to see, nothing else to do. it was a bit scary last night, realizing this, because i know to build a life can take a while.
now, at least i don’t think, there will be no flying off to alaska or russia or wherever, so i have no excuses for not building a life. before i could always say “well it doesn’t matter, i’m not going to be here forever anyways.” but i might be here forever. of course, this is recently been complicated, too, as lack of jobs in the area have meant i’ve had to consider once again packing my bags and relocating for a year or two. and this is frightening as well, because it means only more time before i have a life someplace, friends, a job, favorite things to do and places to go. and so returns the land of limbo… until the end of the summer, i don’t know if i’ll be able to stay or if i’ll have to go… so does that mean i should try and make a life here? what if i have to leave in august? i’m sure this all seems rather silly for most, but for someone who’s been on the move for a while, it’s difficult to imagine what the right thing to do is next, when i want to stop moving and welcome a little constancy into my life.