through

if i’ve learned anything in my veryvery short running career it’s that running loosens everything. after several tense days of long bike rides, 4 hour standardized test-taking, baseball stadium seats, screaming teenagers and sleeping on a cot last night, i realized i was dying to run and just let everything realign itself.
and of course, this loosening transcended the realm of the physical and allowed some mental and emotional alignment as well. i liked watching my shadow below me, elongated and bobbing along the pebbles and sidewalk.
i know that in the future i will enjoy the kind of meditation that comes with yoga and silence, but for now, what comes with running is perfectly sufficient, as noisy and moving as it may be, it always manages to take me elsewhere, slightly out of myself, out of sadness or anger or blaming and into balance. and later in the day when i might be losing myself in some emotion i try to remind myself whatever it was i learned on my run. somedays i can’t run, and i suppose that’s OK, because i see more and more, that if you remain open, you can learn anywhere, from anyone or anything. it seems to me a day where nothing is learned is a day lost. it doesn’t have to be anything big or life-altering, tiny is most certainly acceptable. most days are tiny days, i think.
i realized today: it was certainly easier before…since monday, since those honest words and that apology, it’s been more sad and painful, more difficult… but you know i’d rather deal with the real thing, as painful as it might be, than deal with masks or games that make it easier. it’s gone, it’s all gone. the laughter, the beach trips, the sily tv shows, the evening hellos. gone. thousands of miles away. and how sad and terrible that is. if one wants to play their silly games, live in the clouds, imagine that i’m indifferent or that i’ve moved on…one can go ahead and do that, if it makes it easier. but i know my truth, and that is what i will live with, as sad as it might be, as much as it might make me suffer, it is all far more beautiful than any imaginary thing could ever be.


and that was just one thing. today was a nice day i suppose. i am learning a lot of small, beautiful truths lately, and for that i am happy.

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